A man dies and his soul appears at the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, Saint Peter finds that his life was sinful and he is sent to Hell.
Once there, he is greeted by a demon. Shaking the man’s hand warmly, the demon smiles and says, “Welcome, welcome to hell! Before we get you settled in, let’s show you around so we can decide which hell is the right one for you!”
Confused and somewhat nervous, the man replies, “There’s different kinds of hell?”
“Certainly!” the demon replies, taking the man’s hand and showing him past the front gates. “For instance, here is our hell for gluttons,” he says as he pulls open the first door on his left. Inside the man is astonished to see a cornucopia of food: fresh, bountiful, delectably prepared every cuisine imaginable is represented for as far as the eye can see, and the most tempting aromas greeting his nostrils. There are people laughing and eating to their hearts’ content as they smile in bliss, washing it down with the finest, rarest wines ever produced.
“And here we have the hell for sports fans!” the demon declares, opening the next door down. Inside is the biggest sports bar he’s ever seen. Thousands of holographic screens showing sporting events of all sorts, including some sports the man had never even heard of. And at the bars, sports fans drinking fresh beer, eating classic bar snacks, and mingling with sports legends like Babe Ruth and Jack Dempsey and Johnny Unitas.
The demon shows him yet another hell. “This hell is one of my favorites,” he confides. “It’s for s*xaholics!” And inside, an orgy of unimaginable carnal delights is taking place men and women of incomparable beauty frolicking and pleasuring themselves and each other to their hearts’ content. “Do any of these appeal to you, my boy?” the demon asks.
Utterly stupefied, the man can only stammer, “They all look great. I don’t know how to choose. Maybe I can see this one here before I make my choice?” And the demon agrees, smiling happily.
The man pulls open another door. Inside is a castle of horror. Screams of heartrending pain and agony greet his ears, as hideous creatures torture row after row of people with fire, acid, and all manner of fiendish devices. Cries for mercy are heard, only to be callously ignored. So gruesome are the acts being performed that the man slams the door shut, leans over, and retches uncontrollably for long minutes. Finally, able to breathe again, he gasps, “What the f*ck was THAT?”
“Oh, that’s the hell for Christians,” the demon says, shrugging. “They requested it that way, don’t ask me why.”
